Bev and I got engaged. After a long time of trying to find a place I feel like I am at home I found it. That place is anywhere she is. I love her of course. That is without question. And I love all of her. That is the truth. But now that I am older I know love can be in vain. It isn’t enough, even if you have a heart full of it as I do for her. I love her more and deeper than any other person I have ever loved.
What we are above and past love is what matters. We are home, we speak the same language and I trust her, I believe in her. I know that if I get sick she will be there. If I fall down she’ll be there and if I need her to, she’ll stand back and let me find my way when I need to. That’s important. I have found someone who not only knows, but can read my signals and signs and she can tell when to let go and give me room to tilt at windmills, throw punches at ghosts and piss into the wind. Give me room to grow and to make mistakes. And I would do all the same for her. And more. I have never wanted to give anyone all of myself, my energy or all my focus before. I always held a bit back, like keeping my hand on one side of the pool without pushing off. Because I knew at some point I would need to get all the back out again. This year was when I went all in.
That’s what 2013 is to me, the year I found out I can let go and go forward. I am never going back again. They say life is a journey and not a destination. But I have come to the place I never need to go away from again. And now the rest is just gravy…Life is a gift shop now.
Don’t even get me started (because I’ll cry) on how much Ruby has grown. Boy! Is there ever such a big difference between 5 and 6! I am starting to see the first shadows of the young woman she will be, completely separate from us. All on her own. And it’s exciting and scary and a little strange. Time goes on and babies grow to little people and little people become fully formed humans.
When I left Ruby’s mom when she was just 17 months old and I had to visit with Ruby in parks and at other people’s houses because I lived in a rented room, I could have never seen this as where we’d be. But at the same time, this is exactly where I wanted to be. We are a family and I was almost certain it would never happen again to me. But I sure wished for it.
I don’t have any wishes of resolutions for 2014. Except for more financial security. But isn’t that every year? We will probably get married. And we’ll continue our life just as naturally as it has always been. It just feels like what we are and where we are is exactly as it should be.
That’s the best thing that has ever happened to me.
