This is Tuesday, right? This is Tumblr, right? (No. And really no.)

What's going on with him? Why is he acting this way? Is it because the whole marriage thing has been thrown at him and he's a little freaked? Would it be wrong to tell him that I just want to be engaged so I can wear Mom's ring? I mean, I love him like I've never loved anyone in my life. And I am really getting sick of pronouncing and spelling my name and still getting questions and blank looks. So I do want and expect to marry him at some point...  and only about 25% because I want to change my stupid name. But it doesn't have to be right now. I don't know. Whenever. It will fall into place in it's own time. Just like the idea of going off the pill - it will happen or it won't, it will fall into place. It really doesn't matter a whole lot to me, I'm in this either way. I'm here... I brought the jewelry.

What if part of the problem was that he deleted his Tumblr? It was a release, a way to vent and voice his frustrations - or, at the very least, prepare me for them - and he doesn't have that right now. He was mostly sick of the obligation of looking at the feed of his followers but it doesn't have to work that way. It can be a cross between Facebook and Tumblr. He could do like Amy does with WordPress or like I'm doing here to a degree (probably more 'magazine article' than my 'dear diary' approach but same difference). He is a tremendous writer and he knows how to get shit down on paper internet blog. It would be a shame to give that up just because of a few dick-head posers.

What do I want to say to him right now? I want to say he caught me off guard last night and I wasn't expecting him to be in the mood he was in. I need to prepare myself, I'm sorry. I'm that way with just about everything, though. And when I'm not prepared, it's fight or flee. I don't like to fight. I don't. I left my parents during their darkest hour because I couldn't bear to listen to them bicker anymore. I did it under the guise of leaving because I was a financial burden and so I could make more and send some home, which I did whenever I could. But it was the fighting that drove me out of there.

And you can say that Mom says we were a normal family and whatever she told you. She's completely right in a general sense. Don't get me wrong, I love that woman... you know I do. I love her as much as I did when I idolized her as a child. But I see her with adult eyes now, too. She's not as into it these days but she likes to bicker. She is a very good bickerer, she comes from a long line of bickerers. I don't think she really picked it up until she got laid off. It was like her soul got broken a little bit that day. She lost her faith in humanity, and in herself. And she began to bicker. I, too, will bicker if I feel the need. You can blame our ancestors.

Dad liked to banter. See the difference? Bicker, banter. Same words, different tone. And when Mom wasn't around, Dad would banter until the cows come home. And he brought out the banter in me. Ohgod, we had so much fun. Like when you and I banter. Dad hated the bickering but he loved Mom more than he loved his own life, and I think he really didn't know how to stop the bickering without stopping the banter. So he learned to live with it.

We both do both. We don't always do a good job in communicating or synchronizing, but we both seem to have a handle on bicker and banter. And when I'm feeling a bicker coming on, I have to see which one of us is causing it because I don't want to put you through what my father went through. Here's the thing about me that's different, though: if it's just a few words, I'll leave the room for a minute; if it's more than a few words, I'll walk around the block; if it's hurtful name calling, I'm probably gone for the night or weekend; if it's aggressive and I lose trust, I'm pretty much just gone.

I won't permanently leave in anger. I will never move out if we are fighting or angry unless I feel threatened (which I almost felt once and he totally backed off). But I will always step away and reflect. Objects in mirror are closer than they appear. Feelings in mirror are more obvious than they originally appear.

I need to edit this. I don't know if I got my point across. I'll look at it again tomorrow. I like to rewrite my diary. Sosueme.

G'nite.

Asshole

I never know when I'm being an asshole. Better said: I never know when I'm going to be taken for an asshole.

I wonder

Sometimes I wonder whether or not we'll get through it all. And sometimes I wonder if I care enough to sit around and wait to find out. This can't be all me. It's him and it's me, or it's us. I'm not sure which is worse.

I feel, I want, I need, unfortunately...

I feel like he's bullying me. I feel like he's saying "do as I say or it's over". And fuck you! I disagree! Is that not allowed? How is that not allowed? In an adult relationship? How can he not just say "I don't like it but I trust in us enough to know it's going to be okay"? Or "I want to trust so I'm going to take a chance, please don't fuck it up!" Why can't he say that? Why can't he be open and fucking take a chance on me??? How are we going to spend our lives together if he can't do that?

And all I want to do is rebel against those rules. Every fibre of my being wants to stand up to the bully. I want to say a big fuck you, but in the "a picture's worth thousand words" way. But I don't want to hurt him. I love him and I don't want to hurt him. So I'm constantly stuck between this rock and him. And the longer this goes on, the more the rock is going to jiggle and eventually it will roll right out of my way.

I don't want that. He doesn't want that. I know he doesn't. He loves me and (although he seems to struggle with it from time to time) I love him. But I told him before that I can't live on a roller coaster. I won't. So it's going to come down to this: we're either together, or we're not together. There's no halfsies anymore. In or out.

I need to know now. I need to know once and for all. Maybe I shouldn't even be here. Maybe I'm so quick to say I want to go because I want to go. Do I want to go because not everything is perfect? No, not at all. But I can't  live with ultimatums. I'm too rebellious  And it might not be his kind of rebellion but my kind is probably even worse because it's inside me. And it feels no guilt.

Unfortunately, I cannot say any of these things to him. So I said this instead: It's not like these are people I would consider getting back with. They're people I've been with and decided I don't want to be with them. Completely and absolutely. They're in relationships with other women who are perfectly okay with us exchanging a few words and maybe a few pictures from time to time. Why are you so dead set against it?

And still, he stomped stomped

Another day, another tear

Two hours ago I was thinking about when I should tell him that I want to go off the pill. Right now? I'm trying to decide what the fuck I'm doing here and if it's time to cut my losses. Nice. So awesome to be here again.

Have I learned anything in the past decade? And does it matter at all?

Tears and thoughts

Well, I'm not pregnant. In case you were wondering and all. It's a fact that makes me feel good and bad, happy and sad. I'm not going to be a mother. I'm going to live until I'm 103 - another 61 years - and I am never going to be anyone's mom.

Okay, it looks like I found those tears I was looking for. And the reason I wanted them.

I can't have this taken away from me. If it's not in the cards I will live with it but I can't spend my life with someone who says I can't have this, especially since he's already got it. No, being a sixth or eighth of a parent to the gem isn't enough. I'm sorry. Even is she moves in with us in her teens - which, let's face it, is complete conjecture right now.

I said something to him the other day that I wasn't expecting and didn't know where it came from or why it popped up when it did. I said "You're never going to marry me, are you?" And later "I don't have time to be with someone who isn't willing to make that commitment to me."

Am I ready to make that commitment to him? Sometimes. With terms.

He has to stop threatening the end. The ultimatums. If I tell him to fuck off one more time it's over? Well, that's pretty fucking solid, isn't it? I'm not willing to watch my p's and q's with him. I will do it with every single person in my life but I'm not doing it with the man I live with. I'm not willing to watch what I say or be afraid that I'll say the wrong thing.

I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't be here at all. If I'm still having these thoughts, maybe I should listen to them. Maybe I need to go back west and get back to my life.

(I don't want to go back west. Even as I was typing it I knew that. And I do want to be with him. But I think I also want to try to get pregnant. I don't want to try, I just want to open my life to it. To the possibility. The possibility. And if he really doesn't want that, maybe I should find someone who does.)

Myronic

I opened this blog with the intention of writing the following sentence: I'm really fucking cranky right now and I don't know why.

Then I saw what I wrote the very last time I logged in: "I'm really fucking cranky all of a sudden. Why?? Why??"

I'm sensing a trend. When was the other time I wrote that? April 23... Tuesday... two weeks and one day ago. That's how far I got without being in whatever mood it is that leads me here.

Is it always going to be this hard? Relationships, I mean. Are we always going to get on each other's nerves and get frustrated and miscommunicate and fucking be pissed off? Is this what I want for my life?

I need to get stoned. More than that, I need a really really good cry. Maybe then I'll feel better. I'll let you know.