What's on my mind today.

I'm looking for a way to express how I feel right now. The truth, and all that. I'm a bitch, but I don't have to be a bitch all the time. (But sometimes I have to be a bitch, motherfucker.)

When do I take a moment to be myself. I get myself so stressed out. Not in a bad way, just pulled in different directions, juggling, constantly trying to find the balance. And I find it. I figured it out, I really did. It's the truth as I know it. 

Some people have the same truth as me, some don't. My point is, I want to get some shit off my chest and I want to do it while I don't have to take a single chance, while I can be me, open and honest and completely truthful about how I feel and who I am. I like myself, I really do. Sometimes people find it funny, sometimes they don't enjoy it at all. It depends on the context, the situation, the perceiver and what he/she is perceiving. I have a natural need to make people like me, but I've also got a ten second attention span. 

I usually feel like I'm driving someone crazy when I blather on about what is on my mind at that moment, switching back and forth between topics at breakneck speed, trying to make sense of it all, sometimes I barely make sense at all. I'm a poet and don't know it. 

See what I mean? Even when I write, I tend to get it all out and then edit to organize my thoughts back together in a cohesive manner that might be more understandable. Sometimes I can't write for shit, and usually TL:DR (Mom, that means Too Long, Didn't Read the post I just wrote. You're a sucker for reading it all!)

I loved therapy. I went three or four times way back in 2003, when I thought I was at the end of my rope but really wasn't, when I asked for help and learned that even if I wasn't at the end of my rope, talking to someone about your life, your problems, your hopes and frustrations just damn well feels good, and paying someone to listen to your problems so you don't care what they think about what you say and you don't have to worry about hurting their feelings or stepping on toes, someone who will tell you when you are out of line and won't cry because you said something they didn't like and you hurt their feelings and now they are leaving you or disowning you or firing you or you lose the sale or the respect or think that you are bragging too much and what the hell do you have to brag about.

Are you still reading this, crazy person?

The point is if you are reading this, you have the freedom to not read this. And I don't care if you read something you don't like because you could've just stopped fucking reading. I don't care if you fall in love with me because there is nothing you can do about it. I don't want to offend you with my words but I do need to find my own limits and expand my world so I can swear sometimes. I'm not trying to sell you anything, including myself. I have nothing to sell you, so even when I do slide into that role there's nothing for you to buy. Love me or leave me. Hate me or great me. I don't care. I'm going to say what I want and just have it out. So I can look at it from a different angle. 

You are now my free therapist. You can tell me how you feel and I can choose to not care what you say. But I will consider it. As much as I love people, I generally struggle with making close friends and long term relationships. And I'm kind of embarrassed to tell you why. 

Because I love myself so fucking much. I don't feel better than you, but I don't feel you are better than me either. I was raised with constant positive reinforcement, because I spent most of my childhood alone giving myself that positive reinforcement. I believed what they said, that I was good, that I was worthy, that I was special, and that I was important. When I was a kid, about to my mid-twenties, I believed all of that absolutely. Because no one ever told me any different. 

I am completely self involved. I am the most important thing in the world to me. I am always there for me. Yes, I think I am always right. And if you don't agree with me then you, by default, have to be wrong. I love it when you are right as much as I am right, but I believe that "right" is based more on perspective than fact.

Being raised with love is a tremendously powerful thing. Children learn what they live? I lived with love. And that translated into a love of myself. Which gives me the ability to love without limits.

What I do struggle with is not loving in the right way. And sometimes I'm terrible at communicating it so I try to always be me in my actions, if not my words. You see, to me, my actions have reasons. Most of the time. Sometimes I couldn't give a flying fuck. And I have always loved me enough to do whatever the fuck I want to do.    

I love me enough to recognize that I am a terrible communicator and sometimes I say the wrong thing, I think differently than anyone I have ever known (psst, that's called being human) but I can relate to most people and find people usually can relate to me. If they can't they don't mind because I'm nice. Some people hate "nice". I know because I (ironically) used to be one of them. And I don't always use the correct grammer grammar or speling spelling, but spellcheck gets me through. 

I try not to hurt people's feelings but if I do I don't feel bad very long. Even if I do feel bad, I put it away somewhere because I don't want to feel bad very long. If you hurt my feelings I don't feel bad for long either, and if I do feel bad for long I leave. You can do the same. 

  

I hope you won't. I hope you like me and can relate to me. I like people, I like to hear opinions and perspectives. But at the same time, I don't really care. I am the one who has to live with me, and if I don't love I leave and I'm not leaving me. And I'm certainly not listening to me bitch constantly for the rest of my life. 

Therapy takes away my bitch. 

I can't believe you're still reading this. Did I not mention I tend to ramble?    

Bee tee dubs

BTW, in case you're wondering (and I'm sure millions of you out there are... lol) my career is coming along quite swimmingly. Since the last time I wrote I will conquer (which I amusingly spelled 'concur') I have left that employment and apparently have become enemy number one. *grin*

They didn't hire me for the sales job, they didn't hire me for the manager job. I told them that if they couldn't believe in me, I would find someone who did. And I did. Boy, did I ever.

In April I was hired to not only manage but actually open a new senior's residence in a neighbouring town. It was the biggest challenge of my career and I succeeded... although the residence did not. That sounds funny, doesn't it? Well, I worked my ass off and tried my absolute best every single day. The people who hired me realized their expectations of the business were unrealistic. They told me if I couldn't make it happen they believed no one could and they walked away from the project.

I got a lot from that experience. For one, it taught me that I do not want to live the way I did a decade ago when my life was consumed by my work. It's not enough for me anymore. I have learned balance and it is important. Another thing I got from it was some amazing experience in sales and marketing. I named the residence; designed the marketing materials; wrote, produced and starred in several radio commercials; learned to network and sell while maintaining my own high standards and strict moral code. My confidence sky-rocketed so when I had to find something else I was able to see myself and had people to back up the things I said.

I am now doing sales in direct competition with my former employer. I make the same amount of base pay with better commissions with targets I am actually able to achieve... no, not just achieve... destroy! My short term goal was to get three leases this month and my long term goal was to get to 100% occupancy. I have seven leases so far and, after one month of employment, we are completely full. Now I want to get involved in the community and make a bit of a name for myself in this town. Before long I will be a GM again, and it will kick it's ever loving ass.

I'm very proud of my progress, can you tell?

Now, can I harness that and put my money where my gut is?

Good question, I'm glad you asked.

The curiosity diet?

I sat in an auditorium waiting to see a comedy show the other night and I started thinking (again)... I just want to know. I want to know what it's like to not sit in a room and take inventory of size to see if I'm the biggest person there. I want to sit next to someone and not worry about crowding them out with my excess mass. I want to not concern myself with jiggles and dimples and carrying a great bowlful of jelly in front of me.

This is not the first time I have had these thoughts. Alas, there is an extremely high probability that these are not the last time I will have these thoughts. That auditorium re-awakening was on Friday night; it is now Sunday morning and I have eaten as much (if not more) junk food as ever. But it keeps coming back to me.

What would it be like? What would it be like?

The last time I intentionally lost a significant amount of weight was about a decade ago. During my 20s and 30s I lost up to (but never more than) 30 pounds several times. With diet pills, with a trainer, with Jenny Craig, with rehabbing my back. Always with the belief that it would make everything okay; always knowing I could but never passing that 30 pound hurdle of what if it doesn't.

Will I do it now? Now that I have changed my life so dramatically, changed my world so completely, changed my beliefs, my comforts, my wants and needs. I have achieved the things I set my mind to. Often with extremely different outcomes than expected but usually wanting (or at least finding a way to accept) the outcomes I get.

What about this? I firmly believe that the things that held me back or knocked me over in the past are no longer an issue. I understand that other things might cause road blocks but I no longer fear them; in fact, I welcome them. But do I want it enough to try enough?

I think I might.

I think I do.

I think I will.

I think.

Okay, here's where it's at

I told my mother I was going to take two more days of wallowing in self pity and then I would get back up and move on with my life. But I don't need two days. Tomorrow, tomorrow I will get back on with my life.

I don't need everyone else to believe who I am. I know what I'm capable of. I know the time I've put in, I understand the shit I have put up with, I believe I can do this GM job exceptionally. EXCEPTIONALLY! And I will. Whether with my current employer or with someone else, I will do it and I will be fucking fantastic.

That's why the residents tell me they want me to be the successor. That's why Bev's death strengthened me. That's why over and over and over and over people tell me I am worthy, I am good, I am able, I am going to succeed. The ones who don't believe in that have a right to their opinions. those who are against me do not matter to me. People who throw me under the bus in order to succeed do not matter to me.

Tomorrow I will walk in there and I will follow up on that unbelievable motherfucking "insubordination" bullshit and I will demand it be put on my file. I will demand. Because fuck you. And then I will continue with my life, in whatever capacity, whatever opportunity comes next. And I will succeed. And I will fucking conquer. I will fucking conquer.

Fuck you, you fucking whore. You are an ignorant idiot who has no fucking idea who I am. I'll show you. I'll show you.

Defeated

"How was today?", Mom asked.

Shitty. Really seriously shitty. I slept in because I was up all night crying. I went in late with bloodshot eyes that had actual suitcases under them. Not bags, suitcases. I spent nearly every moment either fighting back tears (fucking hormones!) or holding myself back from punching a wall. I spent every other moment smiling and laughing and pretending everything was wonderful.

I did tell them I wasn't going to help out anymore. If they don't want me for the job, I'm not going to do it for free. And have everyone say "are you getting the job?" and having to say "no, they don't think I'm good enough." Maybe I'm not good enough.

I've decided to start my own Work to Rule, like the teachers did when I was in school and they didn't want to strike. I'm going to do my own job and only my own job. Not that it will be easy. My own job is so fucking boring and easy that it takes about a 10th of my time. I went through my task list and at least half of the tasks are things I started doing because I was so bored.

I'm not quietly making their lives easier anymore. The problem with that, though, is that I'm also not making the lives of our residents any better and that's what I want to do more than anything.

I'm so frustrated.

Defeated.

Hope

Hope is a strange thing, though, isn't it? Even after all of the bullshit of the past few days, the despair, the crying, the disillusionment, I still thought about applying. Like, seriously considered it.

Where is that voice in my head that's supposed to tell me I'm a fucking idiot? Did I kill it? Was that area of brain cells that were attacked when I was smoking all of that weed? Do I still believe in myself? Even though everyone and everything keeps telling me that I shouldn't? 

I just don't know where to turn. I feel like an idiot. I feel embarrassed and stupid. For putting my faith in these people. But maybe I still have a little faith in me. Do I? SHOULD I? 

That's the real question then, isn't it? I keep thinking maybe they all know something I don't. Maybe they know I can't or that I'm an idiot or that I'm undeserving or just not fucking capable. Are they right? Maybe they're right? What if they're right? What if they're right???

Help

Edit: Okay, I was wrong. Found this in my drafts folder, written December 19th. I did drive to the liquor store in icy weather after consuming a bottle of wine, by the way. That was a bad day. But I still had hope. Now? I don't know what to have. 

So, I figured I'd try this before I drive to the liquor store in icy weather after already consuming a bottle of wine. And before calling the booze delivery service. Because - WHAT THE FUCK? Is it really that bad?

Yeah. Mostly.

I'm so frustrated. So frustrated. Mostly work stuff. Jeff and I are doing great, health is fine, I've been losing weight, my hair is growing in pretty good. Mother fucker, can I stop working this job then? Seriously? What do I need to do? How long will this go on? I'm going to lose it. I'm ready to lose it.

But then I remind myself that I've been thinking that for over three years now. Well, a little less than three years, I guess, because the first month or two held a lot of hope. Nevertheless, it's been a long time. So, if I've lasted this long without losing my shit, what's another month or two, or four... but really... how fucking long can I deal with this?

As long as you must, Beverly. As long as you must.

This is my version of the song I've been listening to going to work lately. It's from the new Annie movie, called The City's Yours:

"This is just a part of your story
If you got guts you get glory
Anyone can make it, even you
Now's the time, you gotta stand tough
Cuz if you work hard you can rise up
Anyone can make it, even you

Look at me, I'm just blood pumping
You and me are two hearts thumping
We are two souls beating the same beat
So take it all, the city's yours
It's worth fighting for, it's all yours
So take it all, they city's yours
It's worth fighting for, it's all mine, it's all yours

So put your gloves on, start training
You gotta get wet when it's raining
And if you got heart you'll make it through
You see what I see, look harder
You know we're the same when we start off
Four walls, two hands, one heart beating
So take it all, they city's yours
Ask it for more, when it takes a toll
So take it all, they city's yours
It's worth fighting for, it's all mine, it's all yours"