Hope

Hope is a strange thing, though, isn't it? Even after all of the bullshit of the past few days, the despair, the crying, the disillusionment, I still thought about applying. Like, seriously considered it.

Where is that voice in my head that's supposed to tell me I'm a fucking idiot? Did I kill it? Was that area of brain cells that were attacked when I was smoking all of that weed? Do I still believe in myself? Even though everyone and everything keeps telling me that I shouldn't? 

I just don't know where to turn. I feel like an idiot. I feel embarrassed and stupid. For putting my faith in these people. But maybe I still have a little faith in me. Do I? SHOULD I? 

That's the real question then, isn't it? I keep thinking maybe they all know something I don't. Maybe they know I can't or that I'm an idiot or that I'm undeserving or just not fucking capable. Are they right? Maybe they're right? What if they're right? What if they're right???