Different? Or the same?

I've been thinking about going back on the antidepressant. I feel reasonably good on a personal level. I'm still nice to Jeff and the people at work, I'm mostly patient (maybe a little less but I can't say for sure). Choosing a workplace that forces me to smile was a good idea. It helps. Most of the time. 

I used to hate going to work but I didn't want to leave. Now I don't mind going to work but I can't wait to leave. My shit is half done. 

At home, I have to say, I think I'm pretty much the same. I've been making an effort to cook more and to deep clean more lately. Before I went off the Wellbutrin I was pretty much just doing the dishes and trying to make sure Jeff came home to a clean home in the morning. I went through a long spurt of barely even doing that over the summer. 

When did I gain all this weight? It seems to have come on in a hurry. Is it shameful to admit that I didn't see it going on? I watched it. I gave myself permission for every bag of chips and I shrugged off every chocolate bar. When I start beating myself up about food again? Did I ever really stop? 

I'm angry that I don't have any clothes. I thought I was angry because I can't afford to buy any more but I could get some stuff. I went to three stores today and felt like what I wanted didn't exist. And the other stuff costed too much for me to take a chance on it. I usually know what I want when I see it but nothing falls right anymore. And I'm completely the wrong shape for most plus size clothes. I don't have an ass, dammit. Every pound makes my ass concave a little more. 

Why did I go off these pills? Was it to see if I could? I know the upfont cost and the turn around time bugged me. But it also felt a bit like savings and I liked that. Did I think it would help me lose weight? Did I think it would make me feel better? 

I'm sad all the time. Not crying sad but just down. I don't want to make an effort. I thought pot would help. Motivate me or something. I honestly think that exercise would make a huge difference. I just can't seem to get my ass off the couch long enough to find out. 

I need patience. I need to let it unfold and see what happens. I'm just afraid... that's not fair. I'm assuming I'll fail. It's time to get back to assuming I'll succeed. 

And I need to figure out how I can make that happen. 

I am putting myself on the path, though, I think. I'm looking. I'm so fucking slow to do anything it's hilarious. But I am still doing. Today I walked from the far side of the Walmart parking lot over to Reitmans and then to Addition Elle, back to Walmart, out to the parking lot and back out to the pharmacy. I takes time and you can't really load up with purchases but I guess that's a pretty important part of it, too. 

I'm doing better. I'm happy, I'm okay. I just don't know if that still shows on the outside or if they're just remembering who/how I was.