I think my biggest problem right now is that I'm not thriving in my environment. I'm more than not thriving, I'm deteriorating. I look worse than I've ever looked - fat, shitty skin, limp hair. I feel defeated and repressed and out of sorts. I'm frustrated, I'm unhappy, I'm tired. I'm depressed. And I'm already on anti-depressants so that's no small feat.
He loves me. I know that. I love him, too. I love the beautiful little gem. I want to live near my sister, I want to be able to see my family. But at what cost? Am I paying for this with my entire being?
Two days ago I said I had enough. I decided to call the whole thing off and move west again. I miss it there. I miss me. Every moment in this town has been an uphill battle and I finally cried fowl. I felt good about it, too.
Then he begged me to stay. He said he wouldn't survive without me. He played on my guilt, he worked me for another chance. He asked for six months, I conceded with one.
One month. To see. To try. To consider. Maybe to accept and adapt.
Two days have passed and he is back to forever. And I'm still struggling to come back from never again. And I don't know what to do.
This is what I said to my sister:
He says he thought I was just making threats before but now that he knows it's real he'll try harder and make it right. How can I not give him that? But at the same time I can't help feeling a little scammed. How many times do you give someone a last chance, you know? But, on the other hand, I'm so tired of leaving all the time. He's making all these promises that things will get better so only time will tell, I guess. It's hard but leaving would be harder. So I'm gonna sit up here on the fence for a little bit until I decide where I want to land.
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