This morning I received a thank you card from a resident, thanking me for being so supportive. She said she'd been feeling like she was 'running out of steam' lately and I have helped her get through that.
This afternoon I gave a thank you note to our wellness manager. When I walked in the door yesterday, there she was - bucket and mop, swapping the deck. The place didn't smell pleasant in the least and when I saw her mopping I have to say I was impressed. She is a nurse who is smart and beautiful and who always dresses her best, she does her hair, she wears snazzy little baubles and accessories, and she mops floors. She said she was the only one who could do it so she did it. And she did it with a smile on her face, smiling on the outside if not on the inside. How could you not respect that?
This afternoon a co-manager said that I was helping her through her breakup by letting her talk out her feelings. My advice was open and honest and I helped her see some things that she hadn't seen on her own. I wasn't hard on her but I wasn't easy either.
I cannot respect anyone who does not hold me to higher standards than I hold myself. I want to get better, not be an asshole. Or worse - completely stagnant.
What made me realize this was when the people around me didn't hold me to a higher standard. They let me make my reputation then they said only nice things to me. To me. I have no idea what they said about me.
You might think it's rude of me to say that - to assume they are talking about me behind my back. If they don't hold me to a higher standard, chances are pretty great they don't hold themselves and each other to a higher standard.
And let me tell you how very much I hate the "I've told them a million times" diatribe. Let me give it to you straight and blunt - you didn't tell them nearly a million times, you often didn't tell them at all. Do you understand how many staff members and residents we go through in one of your six month meetings where you sit and talk and everyone else listens? And they have to share a "positive" and smile politely, right? You'll speak to them directly eventually, maybe. Except when you do you will either be slamming doors or kissing ass. One is no better than the other, if you ask me.
Hold me to a higher standard. Hold me accountable. I need to try or else why bother? At first I felt a bit of respect for her when she put me on that attendance awareness program. She was right... she was just wrong in what she was right about. I was coming in late, I was disrespectful and took time off because I didn't feel like going to work. My team probably suffered a bit, I don't think she suffered in the least.
I had a huge issue with how she put me on the disciplinary program in anticipation of me meeting the threshold instead of reminding me of the threshold and letting me have a chance to do better. But she was the boss, she noticed I was taking time off and coming in late frequently and she called me on it. I had to respect that.
I always go for the best assumption first and let it be proven or disproven. What I mean is I will always assume I did it right before I assume I did it wrong. Because when I'm trying my best I believe in me. When I believe in me it is easy to believe in others. But with myself and with them, the next step is testing the theory.
She failed miserably. Sure, I thought it was she was holding me to a higher standard but all she was doing was following the rules and using them to create a power struggle. Of which she had to win because I need to eat and she approves my paycheques.
But I thought she held herself to a higher standard and I was willing to respect her, with just enough reservations to let me see if I was wrong. One day she came into my office and took a file. A few days later I asked her for the file and she said she didn't have it. Did I mention that she and I are the only two people in the whole building who have access to my office? Because about a week after that I found the file in the cupboard where we keep used office supplies. And, surprise, surprise, the stuff that had been in the missing file was right there in the replacement file. Sabotage? Could it be?
Two years have passed and my findings are conclusive. She's an asshole. I don't think she knows she's an asshole. I think she thinks everyone thinks she's an asshole in one respect and she's right, she if a terrible asshole in just the way she says she is. But, for the most part, she has absolutely no clue how much of an asshole she is.
She is missing things and blaming others; she talks us up in public and chews us out in private. She can't believe the mistakes she has to put up with but she can't admit to making any mistakes herself. She stomps, she slams doors, she is short, she is demanding. And that's all fine by me. Be all of those things. I have been dealing with all of those things since I was born, I have had to deal with all of those things even in myself. She thinks she holds herself to a higher standard but it is a standard that is going to make her fail miserably. Or maybe she'll succeed and life will be all sunshine and happiness, and maybe she'll deserve it in many ways. But not as a boss. As a boss she deserves only failure.
Did I mention I woke up at 5 o'clock this morning with my cheeks soaking wet? I was having a dream, I don't remember what we were saying but I was talking to my bosses boss and I was laying it all on the table. I was frustrated and I was angry. Because she doesn't hold herself to a higher standard, either.
By the way, "quotation mark haters", I get what you're going through. It was difficult for me to understand, too, but I figured it out today. Once when I was writing an address on an envelope for Jane, and also when I received that beautiful
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