I think, therefore...

I think I just realized something - what I need to do. Obviously this whole weight thing has been bothering me. On a different emotional level than before but I still don't want to look like this. I don't want my clothes to be too tight or my hair to be limp. I don't want to drive a Pontiac and have floral wall-paper and have to worry about being five minutes late for work every day.

I've tried to eat healthy, made a half-assed attempt or two at exercise, sporatically looked at job postings and had moments of 'what if'. But nothing I do is sticking. I get it, I understand it, I want it but I throw it away just as easily. I don't need it, I don't care. I think I need to go back even further than that. Maybe it's time to start wanting it again. But, whatever, I'm stoned. What I'm trying to say is that I need to go even more simple - I need to take care of my home. I need to do the dishes and clean the floor, wash the windows and scrub the shower. I need to feel pride to feel want. Maybe then I'll eat better, cut my hair, exercise, study, and then to the moon.

I love my sister

I do. Before I met Jeff, my sister and my mom were pretty much the only people that I would go above and beyond for... and not even my mom during a few years of angst. And when I decided to leave Vancouver, it wasn't because I didn't love it there - trust me, I loved it there - it was because I was looking to test myself, to push myself and see how far I would go, what I could achieve. My sister is 11 years younger than me, had moved to Ontario and missed her big sister. She was planning to get married and start a family and I wanted to be in her life. Which coincided with our dad contracting terminal cancer and wanting to be closer to home - although I never dreamed for a moment I would end up there. I didn't know what I was looking for but I knew I was looking for something. So I decided to start looking at my sister's house.

She and her boyfriend (who is now her husband) took me in and gave me a home. I only lived here for three months, deciding after my second month that it was crazy to shovel snow out of my sister's driveway when I should be at home shoveling it out of my parent's driveway. (Then it took a full month to accept that I had volunteered to live indefinitely in the house that made me insane after a week and with the people who made me want to pull my hair out after an hour.) But the time here was very happy and important to show me that next hard step.

All of that was four years ago now. My dad lived for half a year after I got there, I stayed with my mom the promised one year after. In the mean time, I met Jeff on Tumblr, came to Ontario to meet him, came back to meet Ruby, we broke up and dated other people, we came back together stronger than ever, I moved back to this side of Ontario, four hours away from my sister.

It is my absolute fantasy that some day we will live closer again. But she has a home and a life here and I have Jeff and Ruby so there is a very strong chance that we will never live closer than we are right now. Four hours away really isn't so bad. We're in the same time zone, generally the same climate, we don't even need to worry about ferry schedules as we did when we lived in the west. We do need to worry about money a hell of a lot more, unfortunately, so we don't get to see each other as much as we'd like, and when we do we have to get together for days instead of lunch. She is going through a really rough time in her life right now and I wish so much that I could make it better. I want to promise her this baby will survive and they'll both be alright but it's not a promise I'm able to make or keep. So I need to find a way to take care of my little sister as I have been doing since she drank from a bottle. I want to be here for her as she was for me when I needed her. So I will come here once a month or so, to vacuum her carpets and wash the dishes and tell her to rest and have faith and let go of the things she can't control and concentrate on the things she can.

It's hard to be away from Jeff, though. I feel like a part of me is missing when he isn't around. I miss him and the home we've made together. I even miss Ruby more when I'm here for some strange reason. And there's all these cats climbing all over me! Tomorrow I will pep-talk, I will vacuum, refill water glasses and generally try to ease some of pressure until I leave my little sister in her husband's capable hands. And on Monday I will rush home to spend some time with my favourite person in the world and enjoy some more of the things that no one else can give me but him.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder. Reflection makes the head grow stronger.

Kiss my hole

It's like there's a hole, an abyss. How dramatic. But I can't think of another way to describe this feeling. This hole simply drains the life out of me. The want, the desire to do better, to be more. They're gone. These desires are stuck at the bottom of the hole, maybe they've even drained away by now. And it's not just that there's a hole... it's the absolute compulsion to fill it. With food. With pot. With anger or tears. With anything. But at the same time I know it won't work. Yet I try and I try. It's a terrible feeling and most of the time I want to do something about it. But the rest of the time - like when I'm stuffed with crap and my ass is suctioned onto the couch - I really couldn't give a fuck. It's terrible. It really is. I'm still not going back on those pills. I just need to wait until it eases and get up... hopefully, if I get moving and healthier, next time it won't hurt so damn much.

Frustration, an epilogue

Okay, first of all let me just say that was the booze talking.

And I succeeded in my goal. I just wasn't completely certain... haha... can't even finish the sentence that way. I totally didn't think I would succeed. I thought I needed some deep introspection and analysis but all I really needed was a good cry. And that's what I got. And it was good.

I feel fucking fabulous today.

Bitches.
;-)

Frustration

This is the second post of this name tonight. But let me get a little more in-depth, if you will...

Frustration?

I need to do better. I know who I am. I know what I can accomplish. But I've never done it without pot or anti-depressants. And, to be completely honest, I'm floundering. Even with, things aren't what they used to be. I'm 250 pounds. Two. Hundred. And fifty. Pounds. I make 30 thousand dollars a year. I drive a shit car. I have no clothes. I live in a stupid apartment. But I have love.

Is it enough? For now? I guess. In the long run? No.

But how do I get going?

I don't know.

And I think I'm really afraid that I won't find my way again.

I'm drowning.

All I need is a branch.

But where is it?

And, if I reaching out for it, am I not also pushing it away?

Good

I feel I should follow up on the last post. Because things were bothering me at the moment but we got through it - the same as always yet faster than usual. Knowing that I can be happy anywhere causes an internal struggle (oddly enough) but this is where I am and this is where I choose to be and that is good. The rest is on me, and I will be okay. I will be good.

Synthesized happy

Is this what we are? Is this what we will continue to be?

It's not that the problem right now is even a big deal because it isn't. How many times have we gone down this road? Too many to count at this point. And every time that I've been ready to walk away, he's asked me to stay and I did. Or I realized I wanted to stay and it didn't get that far.

But I realize something now. It's not that the problem right now is a big deal... it just reminds me of the problems that are a big deal and makes me consider taking the out that is being gifted to me.

Is this the life I want for myself? There are obvious problems. I don't call them deal breakers because they are mostly things I feel I should be working out on my own. The only deal breaker is when everything is considered at once.

Can I be positive enough for both of us? Do I want to be? Should I even be taking that on myself? Am I happy? Yes. Because I know I can be happy anywhere because the happiness exists within me. Am I feeding my happy? I don't think so. What does that say about us? And - the biggest question by far - will I feel the same tomorrow?