Kiss my hole

It's like there's a hole, an abyss. How dramatic. But I can't think of another way to describe this feeling. This hole simply drains the life out of me. The want, the desire to do better, to be more. They're gone. These desires are stuck at the bottom of the hole, maybe they've even drained away by now. And it's not just that there's a hole... it's the absolute compulsion to fill it. With food. With pot. With anger or tears. With anything. But at the same time I know it won't work. Yet I try and I try. It's a terrible feeling and most of the time I want to do something about it. But the rest of the time - like when I'm stuffed with crap and my ass is suctioned onto the couch - I really couldn't give a fuck. It's terrible. It really is. I'm still not going back on those pills. I just need to wait until it eases and get up... hopefully, if I get moving and healthier, next time it won't hurt so damn much.

Frustration, an epilogue

Okay, first of all let me just say that was the booze talking.

And I succeeded in my goal. I just wasn't completely certain... haha... can't even finish the sentence that way. I totally didn't think I would succeed. I thought I needed some deep introspection and analysis but all I really needed was a good cry. And that's what I got. And it was good.

I feel fucking fabulous today.

Bitches.
;-)

Frustration

This is the second post of this name tonight. But let me get a little more in-depth, if you will...

Frustration?

I need to do better. I know who I am. I know what I can accomplish. But I've never done it without pot or anti-depressants. And, to be completely honest, I'm floundering. Even with, things aren't what they used to be. I'm 250 pounds. Two. Hundred. And fifty. Pounds. I make 30 thousand dollars a year. I drive a shit car. I have no clothes. I live in a stupid apartment. But I have love.

Is it enough? For now? I guess. In the long run? No.

But how do I get going?

I don't know.

And I think I'm really afraid that I won't find my way again.

I'm drowning.

All I need is a branch.

But where is it?

And, if I reaching out for it, am I not also pushing it away?

Good

I feel I should follow up on the last post. Because things were bothering me at the moment but we got through it - the same as always yet faster than usual. Knowing that I can be happy anywhere causes an internal struggle (oddly enough) but this is where I am and this is where I choose to be and that is good. The rest is on me, and I will be okay. I will be good.

Synthesized happy

Is this what we are? Is this what we will continue to be?

It's not that the problem right now is even a big deal because it isn't. How many times have we gone down this road? Too many to count at this point. And every time that I've been ready to walk away, he's asked me to stay and I did. Or I realized I wanted to stay and it didn't get that far.

But I realize something now. It's not that the problem right now is a big deal... it just reminds me of the problems that are a big deal and makes me consider taking the out that is being gifted to me.

Is this the life I want for myself? There are obvious problems. I don't call them deal breakers because they are mostly things I feel I should be working out on my own. The only deal breaker is when everything is considered at once.

Can I be positive enough for both of us? Do I want to be? Should I even be taking that on myself? Am I happy? Yes. Because I know I can be happy anywhere because the happiness exists within me. Am I feeding my happy? I don't think so. What does that say about us? And - the biggest question by far - will I feel the same tomorrow?

Wish list

Get office manager job - "resort" imperative!

Diane get sick of commuting and rent house for $900!

Get a dog!!!!!!!!!

Mow the lawn
Shovel snow
Clean the gutters
Pressure wash
Weed
Decorate
Paint
Walk the dog
Yes
Please.

Then.
Gym membership
Zipline
Treetop Trecks
Bike
Ball
Climb
Climb
Climb
Yes
Please.

With and without (drugs)

I have been off birth control for a whole month now. Off the anti-depressants completely for nearly two weeks. I've been watching.

The moods are there. I feel I'm pretty in control of them. Sometimes I could rip someone's head off and it's been a long time since I needed to deal with that but I keep it in check. Especially at work.

My head feels fuzzy. When I first started taking Welbutrin, I remember one of the first things I felt and one of the first things I thought was my brain felt clear in a way it never had. It was as if I'd been sleepy my whole life and finally woke up. The opposite is true right now. I feel as if I always want to sleep. I'm constantly asking for nap time and on the weekend I napped like a baby. I just feel lazy.

It is highly possible, though, that this fuzzy head and turtle-like body could be cleared up if it weren't for this lazy life I'm leading. And this shit I'm ingesting into my body. My periods are nearly non-existent now. My hair is falling out again. I sit constantly. I'm not healthy. And the promise of clarity would definitely be a motivator.

At this point, I'm the largest I've ever been -and I am not an attractive fat person... I look cranky, complete bitch. And I have never been so lazy. Sedentary. I've always been involved with something. There were lags, of course, but I've not sat this long before. I don't like it. But I'm too fucking lazy to get up and do something about it.

Poop.