I think I just realized something - what I need to do. Obviously this whole weight thing has been bothering me. On a different emotional level than before but I still don't want to look like this. I don't want my clothes to be too tight or my hair to be limp. I don't want to drive a Pontiac and have floral wall-paper and have to worry about being five minutes late for work every day.
I've tried to eat healthy, made a half-assed attempt or two at exercise, sporatically looked at job postings and had moments of 'what if'. But nothing I do is sticking. I get it, I understand it, I want it but I throw it away just as easily. I don't need it, I don't care. I think I need to go back even further than that. Maybe it's time to start wanting it again. But, whatever, I'm stoned. What I'm trying to say is that I need to go even more simple - I need to take care of my home. I need to do the dishes and clean the floor, wash the windows and scrub the shower. I need to feel pride to feel want. Maybe then I'll eat better, cut my hair, exercise, study, and then to the moon.
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