Notes for him

A large part of this has to come down to what I'm looking for, what I expect from him, what I need to live the life I want to live. So I figured I'd jot down some ideas to get me going. 

• I need to feel free. I need to feel as if the things in my life -where I work, where I live, who I live with- are a choice. 
• I require change and spiritual growth. If I'm not growing, I feel like I'm shrinking. 
• I want to move. Physically move. I want to be active and get out. I don't mean I need to train for a marathon but I do need to walk and play and vent my energy. Because if I'm not venting it, I'm covering it with food or trying to force it out with pot or booze. 
• I don't expect him to be infallible, because I don't expect that of myself. 
• I must be acknowledged. I don't need flowers, I don't want poetry and declarations of undying love (although they're nice from time to time). However, I have spent too much of my life feeling like I was invisible or in the way, I will not do that again. 
• My physical appearance has always been indicative of my relationship with myself and the world. When I say I'm getting fat, it's the same as saying I am getting frustrated or I feel disconnected. 
• I need to be able to give of myself openly and freely, without keeping score. The only way I can do that is if I feel we are equal. No one wins but everyone wins. 
• I enjoy taking care of them, but I have no desire to do anything for anyone when I am feeling used or taken for granted.

Where I'm at

I think my biggest problem right now is that I'm not thriving in my environment. I'm more than not thriving, I'm deteriorating. I look worse than I've ever looked - fat, shitty skin, limp hair. I feel defeated and repressed and out of sorts. I'm frustrated, I'm unhappy, I'm tired. I'm depressed. And I'm already on anti-depressants so that's no small feat.

He loves me. I know that. I love him, too. I love the beautiful little gem. I want to live near my sister, I want to be able to see my family. But at what cost? Am I paying for this with my entire being?

Two days ago I said I had enough. I decided to call the whole thing off and move west again. I miss it there. I miss me. Every moment in this town has been an uphill battle and I finally cried fowl. I felt good about it, too.

Then he begged me to stay. He said he wouldn't survive without me. He played on my guilt, he worked me for another chance. He asked for six months, I conceded with one.

One month. To see. To try. To consider. Maybe to accept and adapt.

Two days have passed and he is back to forever. And I'm still struggling to come back from never again. And I don't know what to do.

This is what I said to my sister:
He says he thought I was just making threats before but now that he knows it's real he'll try harder and make it right. How can I not give him that? But at the same time I can't help feeling a little scammed. How many times do you give someone a last chance, you know? But, on the other hand, I'm so tired of leaving all the time. He's making all these promises that things will get better so only time will tell, I guess. It's hard but leaving would be harder. So I'm gonna sit up here on the fence for a little bit until I decide where I want to land.