Asshole

I never know when I'm being an asshole. Better said: I never know when I'm going to be taken for an asshole.

I wonder

Sometimes I wonder whether or not we'll get through it all. And sometimes I wonder if I care enough to sit around and wait to find out. This can't be all me. It's him and it's me, or it's us. I'm not sure which is worse.

I feel, I want, I need, unfortunately...

I feel like he's bullying me. I feel like he's saying "do as I say or it's over". And fuck you! I disagree! Is that not allowed? How is that not allowed? In an adult relationship? How can he not just say "I don't like it but I trust in us enough to know it's going to be okay"? Or "I want to trust so I'm going to take a chance, please don't fuck it up!" Why can't he say that? Why can't he be open and fucking take a chance on me??? How are we going to spend our lives together if he can't do that?

And all I want to do is rebel against those rules. Every fibre of my being wants to stand up to the bully. I want to say a big fuck you, but in the "a picture's worth thousand words" way. But I don't want to hurt him. I love him and I don't want to hurt him. So I'm constantly stuck between this rock and him. And the longer this goes on, the more the rock is going to jiggle and eventually it will roll right out of my way.

I don't want that. He doesn't want that. I know he doesn't. He loves me and (although he seems to struggle with it from time to time) I love him. But I told him before that I can't live on a roller coaster. I won't. So it's going to come down to this: we're either together, or we're not together. There's no halfsies anymore. In or out.

I need to know now. I need to know once and for all. Maybe I shouldn't even be here. Maybe I'm so quick to say I want to go because I want to go. Do I want to go because not everything is perfect? No, not at all. But I can't  live with ultimatums. I'm too rebellious  And it might not be his kind of rebellion but my kind is probably even worse because it's inside me. And it feels no guilt.

Unfortunately, I cannot say any of these things to him. So I said this instead: It's not like these are people I would consider getting back with. They're people I've been with and decided I don't want to be with them. Completely and absolutely. They're in relationships with other women who are perfectly okay with us exchanging a few words and maybe a few pictures from time to time. Why are you so dead set against it?

And still, he stomped stomped

Another day, another tear

Two hours ago I was thinking about when I should tell him that I want to go off the pill. Right now? I'm trying to decide what the fuck I'm doing here and if it's time to cut my losses. Nice. So awesome to be here again.

Have I learned anything in the past decade? And does it matter at all?

Tears and thoughts

Well, I'm not pregnant. In case you were wondering and all. It's a fact that makes me feel good and bad, happy and sad. I'm not going to be a mother. I'm going to live until I'm 103 - another 61 years - and I am never going to be anyone's mom.

Okay, it looks like I found those tears I was looking for. And the reason I wanted them.

I can't have this taken away from me. If it's not in the cards I will live with it but I can't spend my life with someone who says I can't have this, especially since he's already got it. No, being a sixth or eighth of a parent to the gem isn't enough. I'm sorry. Even is she moves in with us in her teens - which, let's face it, is complete conjecture right now.

I said something to him the other day that I wasn't expecting and didn't know where it came from or why it popped up when it did. I said "You're never going to marry me, are you?" And later "I don't have time to be with someone who isn't willing to make that commitment to me."

Am I ready to make that commitment to him? Sometimes. With terms.

He has to stop threatening the end. The ultimatums. If I tell him to fuck off one more time it's over? Well, that's pretty fucking solid, isn't it? I'm not willing to watch my p's and q's with him. I will do it with every single person in my life but I'm not doing it with the man I live with. I'm not willing to watch what I say or be afraid that I'll say the wrong thing.

I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't be here at all. If I'm still having these thoughts, maybe I should listen to them. Maybe I need to go back west and get back to my life.

(I don't want to go back west. Even as I was typing it I knew that. And I do want to be with him. But I think I also want to try to get pregnant. I don't want to try, I just want to open my life to it. To the possibility. The possibility. And if he really doesn't want that, maybe I should find someone who does.)

Myronic

I opened this blog with the intention of writing the following sentence: I'm really fucking cranky right now and I don't know why.

Then I saw what I wrote the very last time I logged in: "I'm really fucking cranky all of a sudden. Why?? Why??"

I'm sensing a trend. When was the other time I wrote that? April 23... Tuesday... two weeks and one day ago. That's how far I got without being in whatever mood it is that leads me here.

Is it always going to be this hard? Relationships, I mean. Are we always going to get on each other's nerves and get frustrated and miscommunicate and fucking be pissed off? Is this what I want for my life?

I need to get stoned. More than that, I need a really really good cry. Maybe then I'll feel better. I'll let you know.