I feel like he's bullying me. I feel like he's saying "do as I say or it's over". And fuck you! I disagree! Is that not allowed? How is that not allowed? In an adult relationship? How can he not just say "I don't like it but I trust in us enough to know it's going to be okay"? Or "I want to trust so I'm going to take a chance, please don't fuck it up!" Why can't he say that? Why can't he be open and fucking take a chance on me??? How are we going to spend our lives together if he can't do that?
And all I want to do is rebel against those rules. Every fibre of my being wants to stand up to the bully. I want to say a big fuck you, but in the "a picture's worth thousand words" way. But I don't want to hurt him. I love him and I don't want to hurt him. So I'm constantly stuck between this rock and him. And the longer this goes on, the more the rock is going to jiggle and eventually it will roll right out of my way.
I don't want that. He doesn't want that. I know he doesn't. He loves me and (although he seems to struggle with it from time to time) I love him. But I told him before that I can't live on a roller coaster. I won't. So it's going to come down to this: we're either together, or we're not together. There's no halfsies anymore. In or out.
I need to know now. I need to know once and for all. Maybe I shouldn't even be here. Maybe I'm so quick to say I want to go because I want to go. Do I want to go because not everything is perfect? No, not at all. But I can't live with ultimatums. I'm too rebellious And it might not be his kind of rebellion but my kind is probably even worse because it's inside me. And it feels no guilt.
Unfortunately, I cannot say any of these things to him. So I said this instead: It's not like these are people I would consider getting back with. They're people I've been with and decided I don't want to be with them. Completely and absolutely. They're in relationships with other women who are perfectly okay with us exchanging a few words and maybe a few pictures from time to time. Why are you so dead set against it?
And still, he stomped stomped
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