When do I take a moment to be myself. I get myself so stressed out. Not in a bad way, just pulled in different directions, juggling, constantly trying to find the balance. And I find it. I figured it out, I really did. It's the truth as I know it.
Some people have the same truth as me, some don't. My point is, I want to get some shit off my chest and I want to do it while I don't have to take a single chance, while I can be me, open and honest and completely truthful about how I feel and who I am. I like myself, I really do. Sometimes people find it funny, sometimes they don't enjoy it at all. It depends on the context, the situation, the perceiver and what he/she is perceiving. I have a natural need to make people like me, but I've also got a ten second attention span.
I usually feel like I'm driving someone crazy when I blather on about what is on my mind at that moment, switching back and forth between topics at breakneck speed, trying to make sense of it all, sometimes I barely make sense at all. I'm a poet and don't know it.
See what I mean? Even when I write, I tend to get it all out and then edit to organize my thoughts back together in a cohesive manner that might be more understandable. Sometimes I can't write for shit, and usually TL:DR (Mom, that means Too Long, Didn't Read the post I just wrote. You're a sucker for reading it all!)
I loved therapy. I went three or four times way back in 2003, when I thought I was at the end of my rope but really wasn't, when I asked for help and learned that even if I wasn't at the end of my rope, talking to someone about your life, your problems, your hopes and frustrations just damn well feels good, and paying someone to listen to your problems so you don't care what they think about what you say and you don't have to worry about hurting their feelings or stepping on toes, someone who will tell you when you are out of line and won't cry because you said something they didn't like and you hurt their feelings and now they are leaving you or disowning you or firing you or you lose the sale or the respect or think that you are bragging too much and what the hell do you have to brag about.
Are you still reading this, crazy person?
The point is if you are reading this, you have the freedom to not read this. And I don't care if you read something you don't like because you could've just stopped fucking reading. I don't care if you fall in love with me because there is nothing you can do about it. I don't want to offend you with my words but I do need to find my own limits and expand my world so I can swear sometimes. I'm not trying to sell you anything, including myself. I have nothing to sell you, so even when I do slide into that role there's nothing for you to buy. Love me or leave me. Hate me or great me. I don't care. I'm going to say what I want and just have it out. So I can look at it from a different angle.
You are now my free therapist. You can tell me how you feel and I can choose to not care what you say. But I will consider it. As much as I love people, I generally struggle with making close friends and long term relationships. And I'm kind of embarrassed to tell you why.
Because I love myself so fucking much. I don't feel better than you, but I don't feel you are better than me either. I was raised with constant positive reinforcement, because I spent most of my childhood alone giving myself that positive reinforcement. I believed what they said, that I was good, that I was worthy, that I was special, and that I was important. When I was a kid, about to my mid-twenties, I believed all of that absolutely. Because no one ever told me any different.
I am completely self involved. I am the most important thing in the world to me. I am always there for me. Yes, I think I am always right. And if you don't agree with me then you, by default, have to be wrong. I love it when you are right as much as I am right, but I believe that "right" is based more on perspective than fact.
Being raised with love is a tremendously powerful thing. Children learn what they live? I lived with love. And that translated into a love of myself. Which gives me the ability to love without limits.
What I do struggle with is not loving in the right way. And sometimes I'm terrible at communicating it so I try to always be me in my actions, if not my words. You see, to me, my actions have reasons. Most of the time. Sometimes I couldn't give a flying fuck. And I have always loved me enough to do whatever the fuck I want to do.
I love me enough to recognize that I am a terrible communicator and sometimes I say the wrong thing, I think differently than anyone I have ever known (psst, that's called being human) but I can relate to most people and find people usually can relate to me. If they can't they don't mind because I'm nice. Some people hate "nice". I know because I (ironically) used to be one of them. And I don't always use the correct grammer grammar or speling spelling, but spellcheck gets me through.
I try not to hurt people's feelings but if I do I don't feel bad very long. Even if I do feel bad, I put it away somewhere because I don't want to feel bad very long. If you hurt my feelings I don't feel bad for long either, and if I do feel bad for long I leave. You can do the same.
I hope you won't. I hope you like me and can relate to me. I like people, I like to hear opinions and perspectives. But at the same time, I don't really care. I am the one who has to live with me, and if I don't love I leave and I'm not leaving me. And I'm certainly not listening to me bitch constantly for the rest of my life.
Therapy takes away my bitch.
I can't believe you're still reading this. Did I not mention I tend to ramble?
No comments:
Post a Comment