I'm stoned. And I haven't been stoned in front of a computer for a while (or at all, for that fact) and I want to tell me something. I don't know what.
The things I tell Stephanie when she is heartbroken after her break-up type situation that we don't really know how the story ends yet. I want to tell myself I'm good. Tell myself to be strong and we'll get through it. I not longer have to say things to pick me up... I'm almost up. I went through another tunnel and life is good again. I'm moving forward, I'm applying myself, I'm communicating.
This stage of growth is occurring because I met Corina and Charlene, and Brian, too. I am so glad that I became friends with them at basically the same time.
It's working. All that shit I crammed into my head for all those years. The vision board in my head? I'm almost realizing it. And, funny enough, the things that were so important to me - so important - just a few years ago. The support, the pats on the back, the life advice. I think I'm very open to being trained by a mentor. And that makes me be a much better mentor.
I learn as I go. I figure out the important stuff, and I make it better. One department at a time. I've done things so far out of my comfort zone you would not believe.
I'm okay now. Things are good. I made it over the hurdle. We made it over the hurdle. I might have said this before and I'll probably say it again. A new fork in the road, so to speak. I made a decision (without pot) and I lived with it (without pot).
And now, work wise? I'm just the same as I used to be. Confident but still pulling out the training manual to make sure I'm doing it exactly right. Then stepping back to see how well I did. And the ways in which I could improve the manual.
I am a very good sink or swim type person. And that is why I am eager to take on the responsibility of a retirement place that isn't doing awesome. I want to go somewhere with 65-70% occupancy and I want to rebuild each department, one step at a time. At first you get to take giant steps. Eventually you get to take smaller steps because you've reached your destination, your goals have been met. But you must keep moving and get better and better. You're never "there", you're just trying to get "almost there". The place I work is fantastic. I can't say enough good about the residents, the staff, the dude who delivers thinks I'm cute (and I am), dude who does the pest control thinks I'm super friendly (and I am), the residents think I'm wonderful (and I am).
I actually sign my cards to my grandmother as "With love from your wonderful granddaughter, Bev". I first threw the "wonderful" part in on a card for my grandfather after I was seriously chatting him up one night. I always chatted my grandfather up. Just asked questions and questions.
I love working in retirement because I love asking and being asked the same questions over and over. It's like groundhog day because you're constantly learning and trying to get it right and eventually you do. In the movie groundhog goes away. In real life the groundhog is tremendously important.
It's by asking questions that you take care of them, too. How are you today? What's new with you? How's it hanging, Charlie? Okay, perhaps not that far. ;-)
And I know nothing about them and they know nothing about me. We get to decide on things eventually. It doesn't matter to me that one man flew planes in the war or one was a reverend and a doctor or lawyer or psychiatrist. It makes no difference that one was raised in a poor country and one lost her father at sea but he actually had amnesia and came back home after 3.5 years and then he went back to sea and never came back. Okay, I say it makes no difference but it matters to them and so it matters to me and that makes a world of difference.
Imagine being a strong man, a soldier maybe or a plumber or a painter. Imagine a good life, not easy at times but you got through it. And here you are at the end of it. Now imagine sitting on a couch all day, staring at the tv. Imagine struggling to hear, being challenged by a short walk,
(Possible tweets will also go in here for review tomorrow.)
My love is not a gift. My love is earned. Then I give you gifts.
Getting high is like sitting in a room with my best friend and opening my soul to someone that I really trust will never betray me. I like that feeling. I like teaching it to others. It's a very good feeling. Yup, still stoned.
I'm funny. I like me. I didn't used to like me. I used to base my self worth on everyone else. Like I was only the person people told me I was. And that's all I could be. I mean, I could stretch boundaries - I could go so far. But everything had to be "Beverfect" as Corina calls it. It's fine, it's done well but I couldn't stop unless everything was Beverfect. And if it wasn't Beverfect, it would be put away like it didn't exist.
I used to think I was pushed away like I didn't exist. Now I realize I was standing next to them. They had completely different perspective that me but we were next to each other. I was trusted and trustworthy. Someone always believed in me. It may sound weird but me and my parents and my brother and sister always walked in a line. There was never a moment in my life that someone didn't believe in me. People believed in me because I was believe-in-able. It never for a moment in my whole life did I feel that someone didn't believe in me.
Maybe that's why I was so uncomfortable in university. But it had nothing to do with school... it was everything, everything changed at that time. I still had the best of both worlds but it was really hard to get used to being in a room with a bunch of strangers when every room in my life previous had been filled with people who believed in me. Then it became really hard to be in a room filled with people who believed in me because they believed in me from their view of me, not mine.
They trusted me because I was trustworthy but I wasn't always. I used to take money from my parent's friend's wallets. I don't know how many times I used to do it but I did. I stole from stores - somehow also always clothes because I didn't think my chances were as good if I pocketed a chocolate bar. I stopped because I was afraid of getting caught. I was afraid. Do you know how strict my parents were? Strict. Not mean but fair and understanding. Sometimes too understanding. I could've played them like a fiddle if I knew how to play the fiddle. But we had our boundaries and those boundaries were very close to absolute.
I had to learn to be so much less absolute. I took little adventures with my brother but they freaked the shit out of me. I couldn't believe or understand how anyone could be so open. Just open. To virtually anything. I got into a little bit of shit but my brother got into way way more. My younger brother got into more than any of us could imagine and they still loved him, too.
When I was growing up I thought there was boundaries on love. I see now, of course, that their boundaries were endless but they didn't just tell me that. I had to test them. I had to see if they loved me as much as they said they did. I pushed my boundaries as far as I'd let myself and I learned the rest from my brother. I think I was already saying this but got side tracked.
This might be the longest I've lived and the farthest I've ever gone to push my boundaries. I've gone so long that I'd even accepted that I was willing to sacrifice love, something I wanted so much because my boundaries were so important to me.
I always had the feeling I was expendable. They loved me too much, it was too easy. I
but I also always felt that other people confused their boundaries
Do you know that if you try long and hard enough, you can push someone away completely? Do you know that if you push them away long and hard enough, eventually they'll stop coming back?
I love that Jeff believes in Ruby unconditionally. I want her to know that feeling. To be loved unconditionally is to only see the good. She will also be only able to see the good in herself and I can't tell you how empowering that is. To be ruthlessly wonderful in this world is to see the world as ruthlessly wonderful.
But to be ruthlessly wonderful, she also has to know that she can be a little bit ruthless. Because, why not, right? Unconditional love. Do you understand what I'm saying? It's unconditional. But that's only good if the conditions are right.
Love has to be only conditional under the right circumstances. You don't have to love everyone unconditionally if you don't want to. I mean, love everyone unconditionally if you want but when you're being loved unconditionally it takes away the need to be loved.
It wasn't unconditional in what we did. I mean, we had to work at it. We had to earn it. Some of us resented that we had to earn it but begrudgingly did so and learned (consciously or not) that it feels really good to be loved but it sucks because everyone drives you crazy. Some of us swam in it. Some of us glowed so brightly
I know I'm wonderful. Hahaha, good one. Bev has a really big head, right. But then one day someone said I love you unconditionally
Dr. Horrible: we are going to be good or we are going to be bad. We make a choice every day. For whatever reason, we choose. And all of the choices put together is how we get to find the answer. Are we going to be good or are we going to be bad? What if you grew up without a reason to be bad? What if you grew up with only reasons to be bad? Which way would you go? It's a choice.
No one in the whole world would blame Jeff for being a bad person. But he learned that he can be loved in every single little fibre of his being and the person that loves him so much it's outrageous can still beat him up if he wanted to. For no reason. How would that person ever be able to believe in love? How would that person ever be able to give love if that's what he learned that love is? He would have no reason to love and every reason to hurt people.
Now let's take me at the other extreme. Can you blame me for being a good person? I learned that I can be loved with every single fibre of my being and the person that loves me so much it's outrageous will love me no matter what I do. No matter what I do. How could I not believe in love? How would I be able to not love if that's all I've ever been?
Loving unconditionally was the most challenging thing I ever did. To love everyone in your life was exhausting and eventually you just assume everyone knows you love them and you stop showing them. Because they already know. What am I trying to prove?
There are rules, of course, but it doesn't really matter if you adhere to them or not. Life is easier when you do but that's not necessarily better. Easier can be pretty unrewarding.
I hate living on a reputation. I mean, it's nice, don't get me wrong. You build the reputation and you can get away with a lot of stuff but why bother?
A girl I mentored (I don't know what to call it - I was old, she was young, we were friends) asked me once how I could diet when I was alone... how did I not cheat if there was no one there to see? And I asked her why would I bother? I can cheat if I want to cheat, no one is going to know. But where is that going to get me? If I want to lose weight and need to follow certain guidelines and rules to do so (eat healthy, exercise, etc), how will it benefit me to go against those rules?
My rules for me were seriously easy to follow. Do whatever you want, I'll love you anyway.
As long as I talk politely and do my chores and clean my room and come home on time and whatever else was requested of me (requested, not demanded) I was loved without question. Even when my father pulled down my pants and smacked me on the ass for disobeying him or not doing as I was told, he did it as a show of love for me. Because he believed that if I was taught my lesson I would be good and love him.
You don't have to love someone if you don't want to love them. And you don't have to love me if you don't want to love me. And you I don't have to love you if I don't want to love you. And hopefully we'll agree but lots of times we won't. Especially when you get into larger groups. We were five and became six, then one, then one, then one and one taken away, then two, then one, then two taken away, then
Moral of the story? I love me. And I love him. I love her and her and her. Sometimes more her, sometimes less her, sometimes I forget to love her and I'm just starting to love her. I like her a lot, I like her, she's okay, I don't like her.
It might sound dumb but maybe the final step in loving me is not liking her. Even though she's a good person and I wish her no harm, I could also squash her like a bug because she does so much harm without even knowing it. Used to make me sad. Then it made me mad. Now it just pisses me off.
It really bugs me. It always has bothered me when someone tries and doesn't succeed but it bothers me way way more when someone doesn't try and succeeds. There is no honour in that. Why would I want to be with someone like that? Who can respect someone like that?
Sometimes people think they're trying but they're going about it all wrong. Like enough right that they succeed but so much wrong they can't enjoy it. They either think they don't deserve it or think they deserve it all cost.
This is hilarious. Man, I just want to say super nice things to people. I want to walk around and pat people on the back, help them up when they fall, find a way to help them fall less. And I want it back. That's what I grew up with, that was home to me. It doesn't matter if they mean it. I believe they mean it so it means a lot to me. I have no control over who they are or what they think or how much they way to complain about something. So I love them. And they love me back. And we keep a counter between us so we don't get too close. You can lean on the counter or you can put your elbows on it and hold someone's hand when they are sad or afraid. You can move further away from it when people yell or whine if you want. But you alway have to be on your side of it. And they always have to be on their's. It works.
We like to talk to therapists or the bartender because they have no investment in who you are. So you can afford to be yourself. And they have to kind of stand/sit there and listen to you because you gave them money. They don't have to, they want to. They're interested. So there's a waiter that says do you want more bread and one that spills water on you or charges you for things you didn't have... which one do you like better? Which one do you think is rewarded more?
I told Jeff that I wanted to get stoned because I felt I needed to have a talk with myself. Not to bolster me up or to talk me down into me but to support myself as I would my lover, my child, my parent or anyone else I love. I needed to have a talk with myself because I needed some advice from the wise old woman inside my head who believes in me and loves me unconditionally. I am good at loving. And when I am stoned I get to love myself for a while. Without having to worry about batteries.
The people in 55+ retirement have no interest in us because they already have the lifestyle, but in their own home and on their own terms.
The seniors who live alone in the house they built with their families are significantly more difficult to reach.
So we need to concentrate on their children. We need to be in front of them when they need us. No pushing, just a friend saying we are here to help when you are ready. Until then let's hang out or at least make contact from time to time to say hello. Not because we want a sale and not because we need to make our numbers but because we genuinely care and want to help. They can feel that and they will buy. (That's how conmen are made, too, if you want to work here you must use this gift only for good.)
Make someone feel good, bring home a paycheque. What an amazing way to earn a living.
When I was in my current position for about nine months, Stacey, our full time chef, said to me "Bev, you always smile and say hello to us when you come into the kitchen. It really makes us feel good." I didn't really understand why she said that, how could I not smile and say hello when I see you? I care about you and want to know that your day is going well and be available to help when your day isn't going so well, if only because I . If nothing else, I'm presenting myself professionally and to me that means respectfully. And, to be completely frank? It makes me feel good when they say back "I'm good, Bev, how are you?" It's a pretty healthy, legal, sugar free way to feel good, don't you think?
But none of the other managers said hello. Not one. Not just on a bad day but in general, they just didn't look up and say "Good morning" before they asked for a bowl of soup. Can you imagine? What kind of day would you have one of your managers make you feel like you were a server instead of an equal? What kind of day would you have if five of them did it? And, then, what kind of day would you have if one of them did it and genuinely cared about their day? When people are happy they work much harder than when they are stressed or ill or feeling put down. It's science. It's contagious. So smile, fool, smile.
I don't avoid posting pictures of my body because I don't like my size or because I want people to think I'm something I'm not, I don't decline tags on my Facebook because I'm shy or embarrassed that my eating habits got a little out of control for a while. Quite frankly, it's no one else's business and the only opinion that counts is mine and that of the people who love me. I guess it's because I don't want you to make assumptions about me. It is only my vessel, it's not me. I don't want to test the weight of your opinion against the weight on the scale. (Pun. Intended.)
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