I sat in an auditorium waiting to see a comedy show the other night and I started thinking (again)... I just want to know. I want to know what it's like to not sit in a room and take inventory of size to see if I'm the biggest person there. I want to sit next to someone and not worry about crowding them out with my excess mass. I want to not concern myself with jiggles and dimples and carrying a great bowlful of jelly in front of me.
This is not the first time I have had these thoughts. Alas, there is an extremely high probability that these are not the last time I will have these thoughts. That auditorium re-awakening was on Friday night; it is now Sunday morning and I have eaten as much (if not more) junk food as ever. But it keeps coming back to me.
What would it be like? What would it be like?
The last time I intentionally lost a significant amount of weight was about a decade ago. During my 20s and 30s I lost up to (but never more than) 30 pounds several times. With diet pills, with a trainer, with Jenny Craig, with rehabbing my back. Always with the belief that it would make everything okay; always knowing I could but never passing that 30 pound hurdle of what if it doesn't.
Will I do it now? Now that I have changed my life so dramatically, changed my world so completely, changed my beliefs, my comforts, my wants and needs. I have achieved the things I set my mind to. Often with extremely different outcomes than expected but usually wanting (or at least finding a way to accept) the outcomes I get.
What about this? I firmly believe that the things that held me back or knocked me over in the past are no longer an issue. I understand that other things might cause road blocks but I no longer fear them; in fact, I welcome them. But do I want it enough to try enough?
I think I might.
I think I do.
I think I will.
I think.
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