First of all, let me just say that I'm very pleased to see that I haven't made an entry into this blog in four months. Seeing as this is where I come to bitch and whine and complain and moan and boohoo, and knowing I haven't needed that in all this time is a good thing. However, I think I'm about to make up for lost time.
Secondly, I just had the weirdest, crazy epiphany that I want to talk about it instead of what I want to cry about. Just for a moment, though, and I'll get back to the whoa is me bullshit, no doubt. The epiphany came when I got into the car as soon as Jeff left for work and drove to Wendy's so I could have a burger and fries to go with my flask of whisky and tears.
Believe it or not, this is the first time I've had a full size burger since July. I've been eating quite well and taking care of myself. Even on shittier days, when I felt like binging, I've pigged out on veggies and hummus or grapes or maybe a few Tic Tacs. But not my old school burgers and fries, then chips and chocolate, then ice cream and candy, then vomit, then more candy, more chocolate, maybe some popcorn because all of the chips are gone kind of days.
And what I realized is that I never ate that way to make myself feel better, I ate that way to make myself feel worse. It wasn't medicine, it was punishment. Huh. Who knew? All this time. I feel shitty and all I want to do is stumble and vomit and cry and beat myself up. I might not have acted this way in a long time, but I'm certainly going to tonight.
Just not sure I want to talk about it right now. Maybe I'll come back and write more. Maybe I'll just cry it out and move on.
No, this is pretty bad. It's going to take more than crying, I think. We'll see.
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