Defeated

"How was today?", Mom asked.

Shitty. Really seriously shitty. I slept in because I was up all night crying. I went in late with bloodshot eyes that had actual suitcases under them. Not bags, suitcases. I spent nearly every moment either fighting back tears (fucking hormones!) or holding myself back from punching a wall. I spent every other moment smiling and laughing and pretending everything was wonderful.

I did tell them I wasn't going to help out anymore. If they don't want me for the job, I'm not going to do it for free. And have everyone say "are you getting the job?" and having to say "no, they don't think I'm good enough." Maybe I'm not good enough.

I've decided to start my own Work to Rule, like the teachers did when I was in school and they didn't want to strike. I'm going to do my own job and only my own job. Not that it will be easy. My own job is so fucking boring and easy that it takes about a 10th of my time. I went through my task list and at least half of the tasks are things I started doing because I was so bored.

I'm not quietly making their lives easier anymore. The problem with that, though, is that I'm also not making the lives of our residents any better and that's what I want to do more than anything.

I'm so frustrated.

Defeated.